The tobacco-jar

Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.

I think that when I finally say goodbye to this town I will be leaving behind 28 fragments of my heart-one for each member of the CCSP community and a really giant one for the town itself. To say that these past few months have shattered me would not be an understatement. The best part of being torn apart is when people who love you glue you back together. The reading aloud, the kitchen dance parties, the stargazing, the imagining, the rugby playing, the sunrise runs-these are the moments that chipped away at my heart. The surprise ice creams, the handholding, the sneaky cereal eating, the silly game playing-these are moments that held my broken pieces together. Being broken isn’t always a bad thing. You can’t give pieces of yourself away if they are still attached. My goal in life isn’t to reach my deathbed fully intact. I want the end of each chapter of my life to leave me more tattered-my life a little more spent.

What I didn’t tell anyone is that before I left I decided to dedicate this semester to God. I wanted a new start, and most of all I wanted to find out what loving God is really all about. Each night I rededicate the following day. My theme of the semester has been discovering God and myself through giving everything back to Him. Have I stumbled? Of course. Have I failed? Every day. To be honest, I’m not sure what the result of my decision has been, but I do know that every moment of my life from this second forward is absolutely, breathtakingly exciting and full of possibility.

And so I begin to look forward to the reuniting. I’m excited for the running to loved ones, to the arms that could never be big enough. I look forward the words that won’t come out fast enough and to the ears that aren’t big enough to hear all those words anyway. I can’t wait to see the eyes that take in all my changes, but at the same time love the details that have remained. I look forward to the end of missing. But it’s not really the end of missing, it’s only the beginning. The hardest part of loving is the leaving. You never notice the leaving until love is in the mix.

Things that I have learned:
The most important things I have learned are lessons taught to me by my adopted family for the past 4 months
1. Jada-you taught me how to look at the world with fresh eyes. Thank you for sharing your joy and excitement. Thanks for showing me the beauty and wonder in the every day things.
2. Kendra-you taught me what it means to be a committed disciple of Christ. Your passion for God and His people is astounding. Thank you for picking me up when I was down, for showing me what it means to love someone like a sister.
3. Rebecca-you taught me what it means to be brave. You blaze trails in the dark, knowing that searching for light is better than walking in brightness with your eyes closed. Thanks for sharing your questions, your doubts, and your new discoveries.
4. Jessica-you taught me how to listen. I can see the openness of your heart through your eyes every time we talk. Thank you for the hugs and the smiles and the attentiveness that make me feel totally and completely worthwhile and whole.
5. Katie- you taught me how to laugh. I can see how happy you are and how much you love life. Thank you for your humor and up-beat attitude, it brightened so many of my days.
6. Chloe-you taught me how to show grace. The way you carefully look at every single situation through the lens of “is this gratifying to God” is amazing and beautiful. Thank you for opening up a whole new world of disputable matters.
7. Sam-you taught me how to be gentle. Your kind words and calm demeanor light up whatever room you are in. People can’t help but smile around you. Thank you for taking care of all of us when things got crazy.
8. Emma-you taught me how to let lose and be myself. You are always 100% yourself, all the time. Who you are is wonderful. Thank you for appreciating me when I am completely myself.
9. Allie L.-you taught me how to give 100%. Your ability to keep things running smoothly while still being an awesome friend is amazing. You are like super woman. Thank you for your love, support, funny stories, listening ear, and organization.
10. Courtnay-you taught me how to live with passion. You see a problem and work to fix it. Your heart beats for the forgotten and mistreated. Thank you for showing me how to squeeze the sponge and live life to the fullest.
11. Tyler-you taught me how to be a true and honest friend. You spent time with all of us, took the time to really get to know us, and gave thoughtful, heartfelt, and honest words when they were most needed. Thanks for being my fire-works hating buddy.
12. Adam-you taught me how important it is to go out of your way to connect with people. You have done an incredible job getting to know the Kaikoura community and our community-genuinely loving and being interested in every single person you meet. Thank you for the smiles and the laughs that made me feel truly cared about.
13. Ben-you taught me to love Taylor Swift (just kidding). You taught me how to embrace my emotions and run with it. You so passionately care for so many things-you let yourself love and hurt for the people, places, and ideals that surround you. Thanks for including me in those things that you care about.
14. Dan-you taught me how important it is to choose words wisely. Whenever you speak you have something meaningful, genuine, or funny to say. Thanks for making fun of me that one time while we were working on our vegetation guide.
15. Kooba-you taught me how to be excited about creation. We all experienced your joy over bugs and coffee and mud-but I just wanted to let you know how much that impacted me. So much of my new found excitement for life is modeled off the joy you show every day. Thanks for the late night conversations about airport reunions and for showing me funny pictures on your camera
16. Josh-you taught me how to be patient-how to be a teacher. Not only did you accomplish so much here, but you also taught so many people new skills (whether it be building a chicken coop or how to tie a fly). Thanks for looking out for me and for including me in new activities-for being a big brother.
17. Perry-you taught me that magic is real. I have never met someone with such a cool and creative imagination. Your comments and simplicity-break downs kept us all laughing and thinking. Thank you helping me see the world in a less serious, more colorful way.
18. Erica- you taught me what it looks like to be completely present in the present. You give your full attention to every activity-whether that’s homework or conversations. Thank you for showing me how to cut perfect sandwiches ☺
19. Karleigh-you taught me how to be inquisitive. I really enjoyed all the questions you asked and the points you raised. Thanks for keeping all of us informed-and also for keeping us entertained with super intense blitzing.
20. Krista-you taught me how to go with the flow. I never once heard you complain, gripe, or grumble once during the entire semester. Thank you for being you-for being sweet and understanding and for riding out the bumps with a smile.
21. Ashley-you taught me how to let go. Your story about bungee jumping really touched me, and I hope that I can experience that feeling of complete release one day. Thank you for the stories and the honesty and for the enthusiastic Yahtzee playing.
22. Kayla-you taught me how important it is to be there to support people. Whenever someone had a rough day, you were there to listen, to hug, to love, and to support. Thank you for holding my hand when I got a tattoo, for listening to my rants and raves, and for snuggling with me in the back of a cold car.
23. Danielle-you taught me how to conquer my fears. You always say that water scares you, but I have seen you snorkel like a pro. You are one tough chick that doesn’t let anything stand in her way. Thanks for being a source of inspiration.
24. Lauren-you taught me how important it is to let your creative juices flow. I have seen you make some absolutely incredible things-from hermit crab shells to trash fashion hats to crocheted beanies. Thanks for making this world a more beautiful place-and for being an awesome fale-mate in Samoa.
25. Luiza-you taught me how to hold a wonderful conversation. You have done such an amazing job of connecting with so many people-with asking insightful conversations and really listening to the answers. Thank you for talking me through tough stuff in Samoa and for not playing pool at the Adelphi ☺
26. Hannah-you taught me the importance of knowing my home. You know Maine so well, and I love when you share stories about the area that you live in. Thanks for being my homestay buddy, for good conversations in the spa, and for the giggles that brighten up the convent.
27. Caitlin-you taught me how to find the absolute best parts of life. You are one of the most genuinely funny people I have ever met and every moment I spend with you makes my heart feel lighter. Thanks for wobbly leg dances, for sharing your excitement about hecter’s dolphins, and for introducing me to the wide world of Cadbury chocolate.
28. Lisa-you taught me how to love even though you knew it would hurt. I can’t tell you how amazing it has been to have you as an adopted mom/sister in time of such big changes. Your light has shown through this place, and I know I wouldn’t be where I am without you. Thank you for the breakfast dates, the long walks, pizza on the lookout, and for the appreciation of my green calculator.

I know that is a lot, but it only scratches the surface of my semester. I love each and every one of the people I mentioned, and they have taught me far more than words can say. I hope that in the following weeks, months, and years I can take the things I have learned here and put them into action.

The Home Stretch

"But it is not your own Shire," said Gildor. "Others dwelt here before hobbits were; and others will dwell here again when hobbits are no more. The wide world is all about you: you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot for ever fence it out."
-Gildor

Firstly, I would like to apologize for my lack of posts. Life has picked up speed, and it is only now that I have time to sit down and jot down some thoughts.

The past 3 weeks has mostly been made up of a road trip to the west coast and north central NZ. This was all a part of my Ecology class. I will try to keep this short, but that will be difficult because the west coast trip was by far my favorite experience in NZ.

The first week was spent with Dr. Eric Lindquist of Messiah. His motto was "You can sleep when you die". He is one of my favorite people of all time. And for that first week and a half, I did not sleep. We stayed a few nights in Charleston, a "quaint" motor lodge next to an absolutely gorgeous lagoon. We spent some time hiking and learning about the natural habitat of NZ. We eventually packed up our gear and headed off to Bruce Bay, where we stayed in a maurea (i can't spell it, it's pronounce mur-i). We stayed on a beautiful beach, lined with stone towers. We hiked to a glacier, skipped rocks on a lake in the middle of a beach, and went kiwi-birding! Man it was so cool to slink through the dark, trying to be as silent as possible. We heard a few kiwis, but didn't see any. We did learn a fun game though-i fondly call it "use a lazor pointer to spot possums then hit them with a van". It's a good game-we wracked up a few points (and saved the environment at the same time)

Another long car ride and we headed inland through Arthur's Pass to Cass. Here we stayed at the University of Canterbury's field research station. This is one of my favorite places in the world. I can't even describe the scenery other than to say it was literally like living on the Lord of the Rings set. I saw some beautiful sunrises and sunsets, read the Hobbit on the roof, learned about Kea research, ran through a hill of flowers that smelled like peaches, and prayed on a ledge that overlooked the entire valley. Oh we also went caving! We hiked for an hour or so through a river that ran through a pitch black cave! The water was at times chest high-but that only made it more awesome. We climbed another mountain and did more kiwi-ing (with no luck). Every morning (or just about) we woke up with the sun to go normal birding. We really never did sleep :)

Dr. Lindquist left and in came Dr. Sheldon. We began our independent research projects, which meant lots of time in the field (getting sunburned and scratched). More kiwi-ing, more hiking, and more plant identification.

Since returning to Kaikoura, I have seen some amazing stars, played in another rugby game, turned in my last undergrad paper, built an awful birdhouse, and eaten a fantastic thanksgiving dinner. Now, with less than a week left, things are falling into place. I'm slowly becoming more excited about coming home, although the pain of leaving is still very real. I expect this next week to be a roller coaster of emotions.

ps. i went hunting and it totally rocked (even though i didn't shoot anything)

Things I learned:
1. Sleep when you die, squeeze the sponge, what would make the best story? All of these sayings push you to live a more exciting life (in moderation :) )
2. board games are fun
3. one of the keys to being happy is to love where you are when you are there. learn from the past and look forward to the future, but be present in the present.
4. don't let thanksgiving left overs sit in the trashcan for a week.
5. doing chores as a group can really bring people together
6. using a pocket knife while listening to country music makes you feel really BA
7. Kaikoura is not my home. My room in the Convent is not my room-it will belong to someone else next month. I look forward to "home"

that's really all :) it is late and tomorrow is a long day!