My sister's birthday is still bigger than Christmas, and I secretly like it that way.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Dear Photograph...
This idea is not mine-but mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery right?
Dear Photograph,
My sister's birthday is still bigger than Christmas, and I secretly like it that way.
My sister's birthday is still bigger than Christmas, and I secretly like it that way.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Finding our way(bread)
'The lembas had a virtue without which they would long ago have lain down to die. .... It fed the will, and it gave strength to endure, and to master sinew and limb beyond the measure of mortal kind.'
My mind has been racing lately. It feels as if I am living in a snow globe, perpetually driving in rush hour traffic while "Flight of the Bumblebee" plays on repeat from my car radio. It's just one of those times when I am passionately curious about everything and desperate to right all wrongs-It's not a bad feeling, just a bit overwhelming. So please bare with me as I try to link my two prevailing thoughts from today day...
It's clear that the world is hurting right now. I think the world has had a history of hurting, but it's becoming much more apparent to us because America is hurting as well. An article was published today stating that an economic chasm has formed between the different races in America. According to an article off MSNBC, "The ratio of wealth for whites to blacks, for instance, is now roughly 20 to 1...". I realize that all statistics need to be taken with a grain of salt, but this particular fact is still quite shocking. Maybe what's most shocking is the fact that I was shocked by that statistic. I am so completely out of touch with the needs of this country.
So what should I do? Should I donate money to charity? Should I give all my possessions away to Good Will or Salvation Army? Maybe I should give food to the homeless? Maybe what I should do is work on my own feelings of entitlement and superiority. How do I go about removing everyone else's sense of entitlement when I can't even remove my own? The problem seems cyclical-It played over and over in my head like a broken record. So I baked bread.
Yes, tonight I baked bread from scratch for the first time. Here's a secret: Bread seems easy, but it's not. Usually I just pull a slice out of a bag and go. Well guess what, making bread actually takes 4 hours and sometimes your arms get sore from all the kneading. And when it's all said and done, sometimes the bread that was supposed to be light and fluffy is actually more dense and brick-like. But despite it's imperfections I actually loved my bread a little bit. I loved it because it represents hard work and because it has a lot fewer chemicals and because it was a productive use of my time. And then I thought, "It would be really hard to give this bread away..."
What? Why would that thought pop into my head? When I think of going into the store, buying some food, and donating it, I have no such attachment to the food. Why is this bread any different? It's just bread right? Maybe not...If nothing else this specific batch of super-dense, not-really-risen, whole wheat bread was an interesting teaching tool. So here is what I learned today:
1. When we go to the grocery store or a fast food restaurant and buy food to donate or give to the homeless, we really aren't giving much. America pays one of the lowest percentages of income for food out of the developing nations. So we really aren't giving much money. We certainly aren't giving any of our time. And most of the time we really aren't even giving "food". Are those in need not worthy of our time? Of our effort? Why is it that we have designed giving so that it no longer hurts? Giving is supposed to hurt (in the best possible way).
2. Each and every person reading this blog (if anyone reads it) struggles with a sense of entitlement. I guarantee it. I think it's human nature-"I worked hard. I invested smartly. I prepared for the hard times. I should be able to enjoy what is rightly mine". I don't know that there is anything wrong with those statements, but there isn't a whole lot that's right. We are called to love EVERYONE (the unfortunate and the foolish). Love doesn't always look like giving material goods away that you have worked for away, but it does look like sacrifice. I think love trumps justice-and if it doesn't we are all in big trouble.
3. Somehow the Bible means so much more after you make bread. I know that seems ridiculous, but I'm a scientist and we require hands-on experience. When the little boy offered his loaves and fish, when bread was given to the poor-those were sacrifices and gifts. They were donations of not just food, but of hours of labor. There was love for the other in those actions. And maybe, because that bread was no longer yours, you went hungry for the day. A gift like this-one of love, time, and effort-is a much more sustaining gift. It's no wonder Christ chose bread as a symbol for his body. Bread is a labor of love. The sacrifice of his body was not a trivial one! A simple goat on a fire wouldn't do to save and sustain us. His sacrifice, the breaking of His body, is the lembas on our journey of life.
4. It's time that we each make sacrifices that hurt. The president spoke yesterday on the debt crisis. The whole country is fixated on poverty. If all we give each other is a store bought bag of bread, nothing is going to change. It's time we give loaves of home made bread away. If we want to change the lives of those around us for the better we can't just present a facade of charity. Giving, loving, sacrificing-all of these things are going to hurt. And it's time to get used to it.
My mind has been racing lately. It feels as if I am living in a snow globe, perpetually driving in rush hour traffic while "Flight of the Bumblebee" plays on repeat from my car radio. It's just one of those times when I am passionately curious about everything and desperate to right all wrongs-It's not a bad feeling, just a bit overwhelming. So please bare with me as I try to link my two prevailing thoughts from today day...
It's clear that the world is hurting right now. I think the world has had a history of hurting, but it's becoming much more apparent to us because America is hurting as well. An article was published today stating that an economic chasm has formed between the different races in America. According to an article off MSNBC, "The ratio of wealth for whites to blacks, for instance, is now roughly 20 to 1...". I realize that all statistics need to be taken with a grain of salt, but this particular fact is still quite shocking. Maybe what's most shocking is the fact that I was shocked by that statistic. I am so completely out of touch with the needs of this country.
So what should I do? Should I donate money to charity? Should I give all my possessions away to Good Will or Salvation Army? Maybe I should give food to the homeless? Maybe what I should do is work on my own feelings of entitlement and superiority. How do I go about removing everyone else's sense of entitlement when I can't even remove my own? The problem seems cyclical-It played over and over in my head like a broken record. So I baked bread.
Yes, tonight I baked bread from scratch for the first time. Here's a secret: Bread seems easy, but it's not. Usually I just pull a slice out of a bag and go. Well guess what, making bread actually takes 4 hours and sometimes your arms get sore from all the kneading. And when it's all said and done, sometimes the bread that was supposed to be light and fluffy is actually more dense and brick-like. But despite it's imperfections I actually loved my bread a little bit. I loved it because it represents hard work and because it has a lot fewer chemicals and because it was a productive use of my time. And then I thought, "It would be really hard to give this bread away..."
What? Why would that thought pop into my head? When I think of going into the store, buying some food, and donating it, I have no such attachment to the food. Why is this bread any different? It's just bread right? Maybe not...If nothing else this specific batch of super-dense, not-really-risen, whole wheat bread was an interesting teaching tool. So here is what I learned today:
1. When we go to the grocery store or a fast food restaurant and buy food to donate or give to the homeless, we really aren't giving much. America pays one of the lowest percentages of income for food out of the developing nations. So we really aren't giving much money. We certainly aren't giving any of our time. And most of the time we really aren't even giving "food". Are those in need not worthy of our time? Of our effort? Why is it that we have designed giving so that it no longer hurts? Giving is supposed to hurt (in the best possible way).
2. Each and every person reading this blog (if anyone reads it) struggles with a sense of entitlement. I guarantee it. I think it's human nature-"I worked hard. I invested smartly. I prepared for the hard times. I should be able to enjoy what is rightly mine". I don't know that there is anything wrong with those statements, but there isn't a whole lot that's right. We are called to love EVERYONE (the unfortunate and the foolish). Love doesn't always look like giving material goods away that you have worked for away, but it does look like sacrifice. I think love trumps justice-and if it doesn't we are all in big trouble.
3. Somehow the Bible means so much more after you make bread. I know that seems ridiculous, but I'm a scientist and we require hands-on experience. When the little boy offered his loaves and fish, when bread was given to the poor-those were sacrifices and gifts. They were donations of not just food, but of hours of labor. There was love for the other in those actions. And maybe, because that bread was no longer yours, you went hungry for the day. A gift like this-one of love, time, and effort-is a much more sustaining gift. It's no wonder Christ chose bread as a symbol for his body. Bread is a labor of love. The sacrifice of his body was not a trivial one! A simple goat on a fire wouldn't do to save and sustain us. His sacrifice, the breaking of His body, is the lembas on our journey of life.
4. It's time that we each make sacrifices that hurt. The president spoke yesterday on the debt crisis. The whole country is fixated on poverty. If all we give each other is a store bought bag of bread, nothing is going to change. It's time we give loaves of home made bread away. If we want to change the lives of those around us for the better we can't just present a facade of charity. Giving, loving, sacrificing-all of these things are going to hurt. And it's time to get used to it.
Friday, July 8, 2011
"I feel like spring after winter, and sun on the leaves; and like trumpets and harps, and all the songs I have ever heard!"
-Sam
I find writing to be easiest during times of turmoil. But writing is probably a little like prayer-over used in times of sorrow and forgotten in times of joy. I wrote while I was happy in New Zealand, why should America be any different?
In the past year I have struggled a lot with discovering my purpose. I want to do what I was made to do. Since graduation, I have experienced a waning of anxiety related to finding my purpose. I'm not sure why I feel less burdened; I haven't done anything differently. What I do know is that life beyond the walls of college, outside the borders of New Zealand, and within the confines of my half-cubicle is better than it has ever been before. And after hours in the car, at my biosafety cabinet, and on the trails/treadmill alone this is what I have discovered:
1. I was made to do things. My purpose is one of action. I was made to work hard and be busy. I was made to accomplish things and to push beyond my comfort zone. As my dad has always said, "the pursuit of leisure is a bad thing". I am purposed to pursue hard work. Rest is only good and healing if we have something to rest from.
2. I was made to move. I have muscles and ligaments and tendons and bones because I was made to be in motion. Exercise is good, but an active life is even better. More walking, more playing with the puppy, more cleaning, more cooking. Less TV, less pre-made food, less laying on the couch, less facebooking.
3. I was made to love. My purpose, as a human, is to love. Not romantically, although that certainly is nice, but filially. I was made for "brotherly love". We were all made to be in loving relationship with other human beings. We were made honor the needs of others above our own. We were made to forgive and be merciful. I can't live this life on my own. If you think putting the needs of others first is too hard, wait until you are alone and then tell me I'm wrong.
It is best to love first what you are fitted to love, I suppose: you must start somewhere and have some roots...
-Sam
I find writing to be easiest during times of turmoil. But writing is probably a little like prayer-over used in times of sorrow and forgotten in times of joy. I wrote while I was happy in New Zealand, why should America be any different?
In the past year I have struggled a lot with discovering my purpose. I want to do what I was made to do. Since graduation, I have experienced a waning of anxiety related to finding my purpose. I'm not sure why I feel less burdened; I haven't done anything differently. What I do know is that life beyond the walls of college, outside the borders of New Zealand, and within the confines of my half-cubicle is better than it has ever been before. And after hours in the car, at my biosafety cabinet, and on the trails/treadmill alone this is what I have discovered:
1. I was made to do things. My purpose is one of action. I was made to work hard and be busy. I was made to accomplish things and to push beyond my comfort zone. As my dad has always said, "the pursuit of leisure is a bad thing". I am purposed to pursue hard work. Rest is only good and healing if we have something to rest from.
2. I was made to move. I have muscles and ligaments and tendons and bones because I was made to be in motion. Exercise is good, but an active life is even better. More walking, more playing with the puppy, more cleaning, more cooking. Less TV, less pre-made food, less laying on the couch, less facebooking.
3. I was made to love. My purpose, as a human, is to love. Not romantically, although that certainly is nice, but filially. I was made for "brotherly love". We were all made to be in loving relationship with other human beings. We were made honor the needs of others above our own. We were made to forgive and be merciful. I can't live this life on my own. If you think putting the needs of others first is too hard, wait until you are alone and then tell me I'm wrong.
It is best to love first what you are fitted to love, I suppose: you must start somewhere and have some roots...
Monday, May 9, 2011
How difficult is change?
Today was one of those rare days when being an over-thinker actually brings peace of mind instead of constant worry (even if that worry is like a sick pleasure). Tonight I had back-to-back "dinner and drinks"-one with my college friends and the second with church friends. Life was physically ushering me from one era of life into another. When I hugged my college friends good bye as they headed home for the summer, I was really saying good bye to a magnificent 4 years of undergrad. The hugs from my church friends were the welcoming embraces of life, post-college. I think the weirdest thing was that I had a markedly better time during my second dinner (with the church group). It's strange because every day I repeat my mantra: "Change is hard". Somehow my grown-up life seemed more fun than my college life-I thought change was supposed to be hard?
I guess the truth is, change has been hard for the past couple months and only now is "change" becoming status quo. But, ultimately, why do we think change is hard? Is it actually difficult? Are we fooling ourselves? After all, during times of sadness and hurt we often long for change more than anything else.
I like to imagine change as the classic physics illustration of a ball rolling down an incline plane. Sitting still at the top of the incline isn't difficult, and rolling down the incline isn't difficult. Both are completely natural. But it's that moment in between, the moment that force is applied to the ball to make it overcome the static friction. That's the moment that is difficult. Why is overcoming static friction so hard? I think change is only difficult when we resist and I think we resist because we don't trust. We don't trust that the new status quo will be pleasant, or good, or what we want. We like having control, and prior to the change we feel as if we are pulling all of life's proverbial strings. So as I approach graduation, I didn't trust that I could find friends outside of Eastern. I didn't trust that my gifts would be utilized in the most God-honoring way. I didn't trust that I would ever find a community that would feel like home.
I think the greatest lesson for me is, change happens. And like a ball on an incline, it's actually more difficult to resist change, more difficult to fight gravity and roll UP and opposed to DOWN. When we are struggling we trust that no matter what, things have to get better. But more often than not, we can't imagine things ever getting better when they are already so good. We need faith just as much in good times as in bad. I think change will always scare me. The unknown is always frightening. But regardless of how I feel, it's time to stop trying to reverse gravity. It's time to trust that I can make wise decisions. It's time to trust that God won't leave me. It's time to trust that a good exists that is greater than my imagination.
I guess the truth is, change has been hard for the past couple months and only now is "change" becoming status quo. But, ultimately, why do we think change is hard? Is it actually difficult? Are we fooling ourselves? After all, during times of sadness and hurt we often long for change more than anything else.
I like to imagine change as the classic physics illustration of a ball rolling down an incline plane. Sitting still at the top of the incline isn't difficult, and rolling down the incline isn't difficult. Both are completely natural. But it's that moment in between, the moment that force is applied to the ball to make it overcome the static friction. That's the moment that is difficult. Why is overcoming static friction so hard? I think change is only difficult when we resist and I think we resist because we don't trust. We don't trust that the new status quo will be pleasant, or good, or what we want. We like having control, and prior to the change we feel as if we are pulling all of life's proverbial strings. So as I approach graduation, I didn't trust that I could find friends outside of Eastern. I didn't trust that my gifts would be utilized in the most God-honoring way. I didn't trust that I would ever find a community that would feel like home.
I think the greatest lesson for me is, change happens. And like a ball on an incline, it's actually more difficult to resist change, more difficult to fight gravity and roll UP and opposed to DOWN. When we are struggling we trust that no matter what, things have to get better. But more often than not, we can't imagine things ever getting better when they are already so good. We need faith just as much in good times as in bad. I think change will always scare me. The unknown is always frightening. But regardless of how I feel, it's time to stop trying to reverse gravity. It's time to trust that I can make wise decisions. It's time to trust that God won't leave me. It's time to trust that a good exists that is greater than my imagination.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Revision
That last post was kind of a load of crap. The truth is, I am very sad about leaving college precisely because it taught me so much. These past few months I have clung tightly to the title of "college student" despite the fact that I am only taking one class and am working a full time job. I don't know that I can write eloquently about leaving just yet-after all I haven't really left. Instead, here are a few lists that will perhaps give you insight into my final farewell.
Things about Eastern I thought I would never miss, but actually kind of do
1. Going to classes-especially my THC ones.
2. Writing papers-especially non-science ones.
3. Writing all of my lab reports in my bed.
4. SODEXHO! aka the cafeteria-seriously, I miss it.
5. Not having a car. Walking everywhere was great, even when the hems of my pants got wet and torn.
Things I wish I had done, but didn't
1. Gone to "Windows on the World" on Friday mornings
2. Done more independent research in the lab
3. Gotten to know my professors
4. Participated in campus and THC activities
5. Completed more of my required reading
Simple things I will never forget
1. Josh throwing a frisbee into my foot the first day of college
2. David and Redmond hiding in the bushes, spying when someone came to visit me
3. Cardboard-boxing Weston's car, tape-ball wars, spinning chair races, the parachute man, and other silly things we did to pass the time.
4. Almost getting arrested at Valley Forge.
5. Nora and I talking on the soccer field late at night freshman year.
6. Running Broadstreet-and all the training that led up to that.
7. Running cup with Tommy and David at Houghton.
8. Chick-fil-a and bad-movie-Friday
9. Sunday mornings at First Pres
10.Frisbee bonfire at my house
11. Timmy, Mike, and Jason yelled at for saying "I want to ride a cheetah" because clearly they are too fragile
12. Allison giving me a hug the first time I really cried in front of her
13. Falling in love with Jason
14.Justin Feathers' lay out score at Bloomsburg
15. "That's what she said", "In this movie you would be...", and other conversations routinely held by the frisbee team.
Gifts Eastern gave me that I could never repay
1. Providing a sense of community and belonging. Arriving at Eastern was the first time I felt wanted by my peer group.
2. Setting me on the path of discipleship for Christ. I was pretty lost when I got there.
3. Teaching me not only the importance of subjects outside my discipline, but also teaching me to love those subjects outside my discipline.
4. Making it easy for me to study abroad.
5. Providing the right time and place for me to meet my friends-especially Jason
People at Eastern who changed my life
1. Dr. Yonan: for letting me doubt and complain, but for not allowing that to get in the way of my growth
2. Allison: for being my roommate for 3 years and all that that entails
3. David: for sticking with me no matter what, and helping realize the Bible isn't so scary
4. All my science professors: for believing in me and setting the bar high
5. The frisbee team: for providing support and friendship, and for showing me how to be a part of something bigger than myself
6. Jason: for opening up my eyes to a world beyond the picket fence, and getting me to be excited about it.
Obviously my time at Eastern is bigger, better, and more amazing than I could fit into 5 lists. I will miss more than what I miss now and I may regret more than I currently regret. And certainly the memorable moments and people extend far beyond what I have included here. For a recent (or almost-recent) college grad, I think it's difficult to imagine life "beyond the dorms". Or perhaps it's easy to imagine, but difficult to be excited about. I realize that for the the next few months I will have many moments of longing for the past 4 years, but I also acknowledge that those moments will become fewer, and that excitement for the future will take its place. And so to embrace this excitement I will end with one final list:
Things that I am amazingly, incredibly, un-restrainedly excited for
1. Changing the world through my vocation
2. Spending the rest of my life with Jason
3. Hiking, swimming, running, and other outdoor activities that I can do this summer
4. Continuing to learn and grow in my faith
5. Being able to request skim-milk, egg whites, or turkey burgers without being made fun of :)
Things about Eastern I thought I would never miss, but actually kind of do
1. Going to classes-especially my THC ones.
2. Writing papers-especially non-science ones.
3. Writing all of my lab reports in my bed.
4. SODEXHO! aka the cafeteria-seriously, I miss it.
5. Not having a car. Walking everywhere was great, even when the hems of my pants got wet and torn.
Things I wish I had done, but didn't
1. Gone to "Windows on the World" on Friday mornings
2. Done more independent research in the lab
3. Gotten to know my professors
4. Participated in campus and THC activities
5. Completed more of my required reading
Simple things I will never forget
1. Josh throwing a frisbee into my foot the first day of college
2. David and Redmond hiding in the bushes, spying when someone came to visit me
3. Cardboard-boxing Weston's car, tape-ball wars, spinning chair races, the parachute man, and other silly things we did to pass the time.
4. Almost getting arrested at Valley Forge.
5. Nora and I talking on the soccer field late at night freshman year.
6. Running Broadstreet-and all the training that led up to that.
7. Running cup with Tommy and David at Houghton.
8. Chick-fil-a and bad-movie-Friday
9. Sunday mornings at First Pres
10.Frisbee bonfire at my house
11. Timmy, Mike, and Jason yelled at for saying "I want to ride a cheetah" because clearly they are too fragile
12. Allison giving me a hug the first time I really cried in front of her
13. Falling in love with Jason
14.Justin Feathers' lay out score at Bloomsburg
15. "That's what she said", "In this movie you would be...", and other conversations routinely held by the frisbee team.
Gifts Eastern gave me that I could never repay
1. Providing a sense of community and belonging. Arriving at Eastern was the first time I felt wanted by my peer group.
2. Setting me on the path of discipleship for Christ. I was pretty lost when I got there.
3. Teaching me not only the importance of subjects outside my discipline, but also teaching me to love those subjects outside my discipline.
4. Making it easy for me to study abroad.
5. Providing the right time and place for me to meet my friends-especially Jason
People at Eastern who changed my life
1. Dr. Yonan: for letting me doubt and complain, but for not allowing that to get in the way of my growth
2. Allison: for being my roommate for 3 years and all that that entails
3. David: for sticking with me no matter what, and helping realize the Bible isn't so scary
4. All my science professors: for believing in me and setting the bar high
5. The frisbee team: for providing support and friendship, and for showing me how to be a part of something bigger than myself
6. Jason: for opening up my eyes to a world beyond the picket fence, and getting me to be excited about it.
Obviously my time at Eastern is bigger, better, and more amazing than I could fit into 5 lists. I will miss more than what I miss now and I may regret more than I currently regret. And certainly the memorable moments and people extend far beyond what I have included here. For a recent (or almost-recent) college grad, I think it's difficult to imagine life "beyond the dorms". Or perhaps it's easy to imagine, but difficult to be excited about. I realize that for the the next few months I will have many moments of longing for the past 4 years, but I also acknowledge that those moments will become fewer, and that excitement for the future will take its place. And so to embrace this excitement I will end with one final list:
Things that I am amazingly, incredibly, un-restrainedly excited for
1. Changing the world through my vocation
2. Spending the rest of my life with Jason
3. Hiking, swimming, running, and other outdoor activities that I can do this summer
4. Continuing to learn and grow in my faith
5. Being able to request skim-milk, egg whites, or turkey burgers without being made fun of :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Things I didn't learn in college
In exactly one month, I will graduate from Eastern University. As I was hiking tonight, a song played on my iPod, and a particular line stuck in my head. The artist cried out, "Teach me the truth I never learn in college". I didn't really expect the past four years to give me all the answers-but I did kinda expect college to tell me the questions of life and then set me free to find out the answers for myself. So I go through the Templeton Honors College, and I study abroad, and I write a billion papers-all to discover that I didn't even touch some of life's biggest questions (or at least not in a practical way)
I hit the world, and the world hit me back. Suddenly, I'm faced with questions like "Who am I? Where am I supposed to be? and finally-Is this what life is really all about?" College didn't really give me these answers. And despite all the classic Greek philosophy and Church fathers, none of these topics were used to address what I was going to do when I left. (Me, My, I, ME ME ME-yes I know that last statement is self centered and ridiculous, but it's also true.) I'm floundering a little bit, trying to come to grips with the fact that I actually have to answer these questions.
I realize that these questions won't be answered in a day, a week, or even a year. But here is what I have come up with so far.
1. I do not need to wait around until God reveals what His plan is for me. That's not His job. He gave us the Bible as a guide book to how to be fully human, and as for the specifics? Well I have been given many gifts and the power of reason-together those things will point me in the right direction.
2.I am not too young to be "me at my fullest" right now. I'm not waiting to be older. I was given enough time to live exactly once-I'm not wasting it waiting around waiting for the time society dictates I can be the most influential.
The tragedy is, most of us won't find our "perfect place". But here the beauty out weighs the tragedy. Despite the fact that we are imperfectly fit-we can still be fulfilled and joyful. It is possible to bring glory, to introduce the Kingdom of Heaven to earth even though everything isn't perfect. The pressure isn't in finding where I'm supposed to be, the pressure is found in taking advantage of where i am.
I hit the world, and the world hit me back. Suddenly, I'm faced with questions like "Who am I? Where am I supposed to be? and finally-Is this what life is really all about?" College didn't really give me these answers. And despite all the classic Greek philosophy and Church fathers, none of these topics were used to address what I was going to do when I left. (Me, My, I, ME ME ME-yes I know that last statement is self centered and ridiculous, but it's also true.) I'm floundering a little bit, trying to come to grips with the fact that I actually have to answer these questions.
I realize that these questions won't be answered in a day, a week, or even a year. But here is what I have come up with so far.
1. I do not need to wait around until God reveals what His plan is for me. That's not His job. He gave us the Bible as a guide book to how to be fully human, and as for the specifics? Well I have been given many gifts and the power of reason-together those things will point me in the right direction.
2.I am not too young to be "me at my fullest" right now. I'm not waiting to be older. I was given enough time to live exactly once-I'm not wasting it waiting around waiting for the time society dictates I can be the most influential.
The tragedy is, most of us won't find our "perfect place". But here the beauty out weighs the tragedy. Despite the fact that we are imperfectly fit-we can still be fulfilled and joyful. It is possible to bring glory, to introduce the Kingdom of Heaven to earth even though everything isn't perfect. The pressure isn't in finding where I'm supposed to be, the pressure is found in taking advantage of where i am.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Falling on deaf ears
Sometimes I like to think that I have it all figured out. I feel so much more secure thinking that I have already thought through all of the crappy stuff life can throw at me, enabling me to go through "crisis" when it's most convenient. So I start my job and think "Wow, having a job is hard. I am sad I am not a college student. Life sure does move fast-there, made it through that change-of-life crisis." (you should probably imagine that last part said in a robotic monotone to get the full effect). Well guess what I learned this past week? You don't get to go through a crisis or work through hard stuff when it's convenient. Sometimes you can have a break down when your boss is giving you really difficult work and when you have a project due and when you are starting to get sick because no one in corporate America actually takes sick days, they just come to work and share their germs.
So here is my crisis: taking my own advise is really hard. Learning to live in the moment and love where you are is hard when you feel stupid, or insufficient, or chubby, or lonely. It's almost like wishing for another time (past or future) is the only way to survive. Moments like that are unavoidable in life, they will happen. I don't think I will ever learn to love them, and I don't think I should.
This is my current struggle. How can I define my self worth? It seems simple, I have worth because the Creator, the Good, the Beautiful, loves me and sacrificed His son for me. That's the answer, but some how it doesn't cut it at 11 o'clock when I am crying over my lap top because the homework is just too hard. It's really hard for me not to view my self worth from a lens of what is happening at that very moment. For example, when I make a mistake at work, I must be ALWAYS be stupid and clumsy. Or when I eat too many cake balls I must ALWAYS me flabby and unattractive. And while our self worth as human beings isn't dependent on intelligence or beauty, it is hard for me to look past my temporary insufficiencies.
I don't really have an answer or a solution, just a reminder to myself that I am more than this moment. So while loving and appreciating this moment is a lofty and good goal, I ALSO have to remember that this moment is not the definition of me. The definition of me is no single moment, or combination of moments, and it's not even the sum of all the moments I have lived and will live. The definition of me is something only the one who made me knows-and as I give myself completely to Him I discover more and more of my own definition.
So here is my crisis: taking my own advise is really hard. Learning to live in the moment and love where you are is hard when you feel stupid, or insufficient, or chubby, or lonely. It's almost like wishing for another time (past or future) is the only way to survive. Moments like that are unavoidable in life, they will happen. I don't think I will ever learn to love them, and I don't think I should.
This is my current struggle. How can I define my self worth? It seems simple, I have worth because the Creator, the Good, the Beautiful, loves me and sacrificed His son for me. That's the answer, but some how it doesn't cut it at 11 o'clock when I am crying over my lap top because the homework is just too hard. It's really hard for me not to view my self worth from a lens of what is happening at that very moment. For example, when I make a mistake at work, I must be ALWAYS be stupid and clumsy. Or when I eat too many cake balls I must ALWAYS me flabby and unattractive. And while our self worth as human beings isn't dependent on intelligence or beauty, it is hard for me to look past my temporary insufficiencies.
I don't really have an answer or a solution, just a reminder to myself that I am more than this moment. So while loving and appreciating this moment is a lofty and good goal, I ALSO have to remember that this moment is not the definition of me. The definition of me is no single moment, or combination of moments, and it's not even the sum of all the moments I have lived and will live. The definition of me is something only the one who made me knows-and as I give myself completely to Him I discover more and more of my own definition.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Not so real life
I started real life on Monday, beginning my first full-time job. I'm a grown up now, with a job and a car and a commute and a 401k (or at least, that's what people keep telling me). Since I got back from New Zealand I realized that you never really can anticipate what the next step will feel like. We devoted a whole week to "returning home" and it was still a shock when I went to flush a normal toilet and throw away plastic wrap. Plus, buying a car actually made me feel less free and more tied down (yeah, that's right. Listen to your parents, cars are a big responsibility).
I've always thought that I was pretty good at appreciating what I have when I have it. My final semester at Eastern I told myself to love my 8 am class because in just a few months my one hour 8 am class would be an 8 hour 8 am class. But the truth is, anticipating the 'bad' things about the future doesn't actually make us appreciate the present more, it just makes us dread the future. And there is no use wishing that today was like yesterday, or any other day in the past.
Life is dynamic and that's what makes it so exciting and interesting. There are surprises, for good and bad, and I don't want to spend my life trying to ruin those surprises by anticipating them. What fun would life be if we knew everything that would happen? In a few months, when I move out, I will probably look back and miss the days my mom did the dishes (and everything else). But I will let that day come and give it no more thought-when a new stage of my life begins I want to feel all the good and bad it brings for the first time. And I don't want to be stuck in the past and miss out on all the great stuff that is happening now. The great thing about life changing is that it brings amazing, new experiences that we couldn't anticipate even if we tried.
So here's the thing, this past week has been my official introduction to 'real life'. But the truth is, the more time I spend missing the past and fearing the future the less I really live. The more time you spend analyzing, predicting, missing, reminiscing, the less time you spend living. There is a time and a place for those things, but most of the time the best thing you can do is really experience the moment you are in (at least I think so). No one misses the moments they sat around worrying about the future anyway.
So my goals? Love and appreciate where I am, when I am there. Take opportunities when I see them. Be prepared, but stay naive. And try to be asleep by 10pm.
I've always thought that I was pretty good at appreciating what I have when I have it. My final semester at Eastern I told myself to love my 8 am class because in just a few months my one hour 8 am class would be an 8 hour 8 am class. But the truth is, anticipating the 'bad' things about the future doesn't actually make us appreciate the present more, it just makes us dread the future. And there is no use wishing that today was like yesterday, or any other day in the past.
Life is dynamic and that's what makes it so exciting and interesting. There are surprises, for good and bad, and I don't want to spend my life trying to ruin those surprises by anticipating them. What fun would life be if we knew everything that would happen? In a few months, when I move out, I will probably look back and miss the days my mom did the dishes (and everything else). But I will let that day come and give it no more thought-when a new stage of my life begins I want to feel all the good and bad it brings for the first time. And I don't want to be stuck in the past and miss out on all the great stuff that is happening now. The great thing about life changing is that it brings amazing, new experiences that we couldn't anticipate even if we tried.
So here's the thing, this past week has been my official introduction to 'real life'. But the truth is, the more time I spend missing the past and fearing the future the less I really live. The more time you spend analyzing, predicting, missing, reminiscing, the less time you spend living. There is a time and a place for those things, but most of the time the best thing you can do is really experience the moment you are in (at least I think so). No one misses the moments they sat around worrying about the future anyway.
So my goals? Love and appreciate where I am, when I am there. Take opportunities when I see them. Be prepared, but stay naive. And try to be asleep by 10pm.
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